Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
