I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
