My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
