I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
