I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
