The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
