Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
