I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
