I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
