Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
