I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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