Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
