They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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