Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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