My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
