last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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