Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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