why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
