ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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