Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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