dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
you're hired as official boob wrangler
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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