Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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