Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
