is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
