Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
