Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
