So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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