Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I am mentally ready for anal.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
