I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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