Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
farters have to be the big spoon...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
