She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
