don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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