my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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