I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
