i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
