i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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