I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
