So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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