yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
