I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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