never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
