Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
