She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
