to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
