Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I have so many feelings about this burrito
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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