remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
