I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
