I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
