got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
