i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you didnt know i had herpes?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
